


amelioration in yours truly

by Baniita



Series: `{/ YCW ♛ 2k19 } wounds healing through past & present [1]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: M/M, Pining, Slightly Introspective, Yullen Week 2019, Yullentide 2k19, through the lens of others, yullentide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21872677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baniita/pseuds/Baniita
Summary: Yullentide (Yullen Week) 2k19 entry. Dec 18~19th: Amelioration: The act of relieving ills and changing for the better.A look into Allen and Kanda's development as people and their relationship, often through the lens of others. A look into how they're changing, how they might heal, because of each other. Slowly, they begin to realize things bubbling beneath the surface. Even as they continue to grow as they part, their awareness of each other grows and grows, each other's absence notable.
Relationships: Kanda Yuu/Allen Walker
Series: `{/ YCW ♛ 2k19 } wounds healing through past & present [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575763
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	amelioration in yours truly

The words that he had left never told to others, he wonders how, of all people, Kanda Yuu managed to spill forth from him.

He kept persisting, kept chasing, no matter how much Allen pushed him away, and when the words started to come out, they just kept pouring out like water out of a fissure from an already fragile and cracked vase.

He supposed he just never really had the opportunity. Nobody really sat down and really took the time to ask him; he’d never had the time to explain. His entire life, he spent running forward in one long, breathless sprint, never really having a moment to rest.

So naturally, he had been shocked beyond belief that Kanda Yuu, again, of all people, found the patience to do this with him.

Why?

And how?

He had a million questions. There was no way this had been the same Kanda Yuu he knew, right?

The way he had opened himself up to listen. It took Allen a second to realize he had still been holding in his breath. Even the way the man sat at his side was unbelievably elegant, giving him a look of inquisitiveness he had never seen on the other’s face.

When had he changed like this?

What made him change?

He opened his mouth to speak.

* * *

The pain in his voice was audible in the pauses between memories and in the silence left behind, but this wasn’t something Kanda wasn’t already familiar with.

Past wounds and scars. Allen’s past was riddled with uncertainties, and he had to live with the dissatisfaction of not having many answers.

Allen thought it had been a miracle that Kanda didn’t simply say “Okay, enough,” or stomp off, or act like he stopped listening. He had reacted, and he had scowled and sometimes said “Idiot,” while scoffing while they bickered very briefly, but they stayed on topic until Allen was finished.

After it all, he heard a breath of exasperation. Allen almost chuckled and laughed, just a tiny breath out his nose, as he combed his hair out of his eyes with his hand, and looked upon Kanda with a fondness he didn’t even notice he had shown.

“Shit doesn’t add up,” Kanda said. 

And from there, the idiots talked it over as much as the idiots could and knew how.

But at least they knew in which direction to go from there.

Towards this mysterious manor in Allen’s memories, Kanda stepped towards, and Allen smiled and followed behind in step.

“Thank you, Kanda.”

“Don’t mention it. I mean it.”

Allen laughed.

“…Ah.” Kanda remembered.

“Hm?”

“I just… remembered what I told Tiedoll.”

* * *

“I mean, it’s not really all that unbelievable,” Johnny said at the bar.

“But you were listening! He just sat there! And talked to me! Properly! He hated me, remember? I mean, I think he still really dislikes me, but…” Allen trailed off as he took another sip of his drink, milk seeping onto his tongue with the pleasant mixed bitter taste of coffee.

“You should have seen him as we were looking for you. One time when he was drunk, he had been ranting off about all the things he would do to you when he found you.” Johnny propped up his coke bottle glasses. “Oh, like how he would pin you down and make you explain yourself, or how dare you do all that for him and then be such a pain to track down. Or how…” Johnny continued to explain how Kanda would do this and that.

It was super embarrassing, and Allen couldn’t help but blush a little at the wording, as he thought ‘It’s nothing,’ and didn’t read into it.

“And then the next morning, he said, ‘How dare that beansprout give me this hangover.’”

Allen lightly slammed the counter and exclaimed with reddish cheeks, “How is that my fault!”

“My point is, I think he cares a lot,” Johnny claimed making a sign like ‘Eureka!’ with his hand.

“Since… when…” Allen asked, covering his face with one hand.

Johnny shrugged, deciding not to bring up moments in the past where he and others in the Science Department decided not to say anything.

“But I’m glad you guys had a proper talk with each other. Maybe the General said something, but after that… I feel like he had grown up a bit.” Johnny took another swig of his beer and took another bite of his burger. Swallowing, he said, the look in his eyes calmer and more serious, “Ever since he came back, he also surprised me with how much he changed! It’s like he’s walking around now free of the burden of what happened back in the East Asia branch.”

“…”

“In fact, let me tell you what he said when I asked him why he came back…”

* * *

“Yuu-kun, I know you’re anxious to meet up again with the Walker boy, but he will be okay on his own,” Tiedoll consoled.

“For the last time, I’m not sad I couldn’t go with him!” Kanda yelled.

About ten metres away, Marie looked up at the shout and answered it with a silent look. Even he didn’t believe Kanda.

“I’m fucking serious!” Kanda exclaimed. Then he let out a loud breath of complaint. “I’m going to seek different answers on my own. We’ll meet up on the same path. It’s just more fucking efficient this way.”

“Mhmm.”

“Stop looking at me like that,” Kanda demanded irritably.

Tiedoll simply smiled.

“You two spoke, didn’t you?” Tiedoll asked fondly.

“So what?”

“I’m proud.”

Kanda was confused at that response.

“You two are learning how to communicate with each other instead of simply arguing, my boy. That’s a step in the right direction. You’re growing into an adult.”

Kanda let out a ‘tch—’ sound through gritted teeth. “I’m already an adult!” eventually retorted, to which Tiedoll only patted him on the shoulders as if he were still fourteen. 

After all, none of them had the chance to live normal lives between all the battles and missions they were assigned. While it was true they had handled horrors beyond those of adults, it had only been natural some skills would have been more stunted than others.

Tiedoll had been unable to levy such heavy chains and burdens from the young man’s back. Such chains he had locked up on his past, Kanda stubbornly refusing to budge, reflect, or remember.

The anger tore at the edges of his mind, and hatred made his soul heavy.

The reunion with Alma…

In the end, Tiedoll was simply immensely glad Kanda was finally freed from those chains.

He was thankful to Allen Walker.

Hearing his dear disciple’s continued mutters, he grinned again as he wondered what there was here between these two boys. Much had changed, from the impression he had, and he had never seen his disciple act this way with another.

“What is it, General?” Marie had asked.

“Nothing. Just mulling over our dear Yuu-kun’s spring of youth.”

Marie had a question on his face. “Is this about Allen?”

“Ah, so it’s not just me.”

* * *

Sometimes, Allen would feel Kanda’s absence. It was pronounced.

More pronounced than he anticipated.

Something was building. He wasn’t sure what. He huffed the cold into his hands, looking up at the sky.

It would be okay, they were all heading towards the same goal and direction.

It was difficult for Allen to not settle into what he had accepted would be his natural state of being alone. He feels it, consciously. He can tell himself that he isn’t, but it’s difficult making himself believe it.

He grew up in solitude for much of his childhood when he wasn’t by Mana’s side, after all. And General Cross was certainly family in a way to him, but he certainly didn’t know how to raise a child. In that respect, he can’t say Cross made him feel less lonely.

And now even Cross was gone.

But his family in the Order, Lenalee, Komui, Reever and the others in the Science Department… Miranda, Marie, all of them, would be on the other side.

Sometimes when he has time to breathe, he would worry about Lavi, too. He had no idea where he was or if he was okay, he can only pray the Bookman foresaw such a situation and they were simply secretly and safely tucked away.

He heard a step, and Link was walking up to him along with Johnny. Kanda had already revealed to Allen that Link was alive. He ignored Link with an exaggerated snub, still pissed at him for letting him think he was dead. Link sighed, but smiled as Allen looked away as he remembered how Allen had initially reacted.

Johnny tapped his shoulder with a bright smile, and a gentle warmth welled up within him with his companions at his side and his comrades connected to him by the sky.

Johnny was his constant reminder of “You’re not alone, you’re not alone.” He wouldn’t dare let Allen forget it.

To say that things were difficult were an understatement.

Allen was determined not to disappear. Even so… Even so, fear crept in his shadow. It was simply natural. Tragedy pervaded his life and he didn’t want to lose anyone else. But he never wanted to stop caring, either.

At least he was glad that Link was alive, but his worries were endless.

And he wasn’t at his side. He wasn’t sure if he felt less or more safe without Kanda. On one hand, he wouldn’t hurt Kanda. On the other, Kanda was reliable and…

‘Huh?’ Allen caught himself thinking that, shaking his had and trying to stop wanting for it, wondering why he did.

Link raised his eyebrows as he observed Walker looking into the distance again, and then shaking it off, and then doing it again later throughout the day.

* * *

“Are you stupid?” Lavi asked.

Surprisingly, on their journey, Lavi had turned up out of nowhere with memories missing and he had no idea how he had turned up there. Link had been heavily suspicious to the point where even Lavi didn’t trust himself.

Allen saw Link’s point, but at the very least, at least Lavi was safe. Allen’s first instinct was to run, but he couldn’t make the same mistake again. Kanda would march right back and flay him if he did after the scolding he gave him.

(Or maybe it would be fine if he did.)

(Maybe they would let Kanda come back now.)

“What?” Allen asked indignantly.

“You explained all that, and you still can’t figure out why he changed?” Lavi asked with his arms folded behind his head.

“I mean. I can understand that I helped him back during the incident with Alma, but…” Allen said as he had his hands on his nose.

“I think you know, you just want someone to reaffirm it to you.”

“…” Allen couldn’t deny it.

“It’s because of you. There, I said it.”

Allen muttered a quiet thanks.

“Wow, I still can’t believe you’re talking about the same guy. Yuu? Really? You actually managed to pull the stick out of his ass? That is so impressive! I mean. Wow, I don’t even know where to begin. He sounds like… well.”

“Hn?”

“Well, this is going to sound ridiculous, but if it really was like as you say it was, he sounds like he likes you.”

“What???” Allen asked in utter disbelief.

“Hey, listen. Don’t shoot the messenger.” Lavi put up his hands.

Allen only sputtered. He chose to believe that what Lavi meant was what he thought was more likely. “I don’t know. I don’t know if we can become friends now.”

“You know what I mean.”

Allen opened his mouth, and then blushed. “It’s definitely not like that.”

“Uhuh. Also, you told him everything, but not the rest of us?”

“I… He just asked.”

“He influenced you too. He got you to open up,” Lavi pointed out. “Tell us later too.”

Allen nodded after a moment. “Of course.”

Lavi then chattered and then continued to ask for more gossip with the Order, and asking for more information about the others, and if anyone else would know anything about where the old man was.

* * *

The sky continued to change.

As Kanda looked up above, remembers the same sky he saw back then, when he first broke through to the surface.

He wondered what Allen’s side is doing. His hands grasped the first key, and he made his way back to find him again.

Under those changing clouds from far away, the light flickered in silver eyes to and back from gold.

Kanda refused to get there too late. 

He chased the unending sky.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date! To me, anyway. Haha. But I've been in therapy for a while and I'm trying to look at the positive of having been able to put out anything at all.
> 
> So it's been no secret that I've been struggling with really, really bad depression for a long time. Tumblr's also like... dead, so that's the biggest impact on the lack of events on top of everyone being so busy. Hosting this event, tbh, is really difficult. There are lots of reasons. Honestly after finally having squeezed out a graphic finally for Yullentide (yullentide.tumblr.com/@twitter | we're even on FB now, haha.) I was honestly POOPED. Like, after the JLPT N3 test too, my soul just kinda like, left my body. But at the last minute I thought of this idea: my friend reminded me of an aspect I hadn't yet explored previously, so I finally felt inspired to put something out.  
> I remember posting, "holy crap!! my boys are finally learning how to FUCKING COMMUNICATE!!! and with EACH OTHER!!"  
> And so there you have it, hehe. This is an important part of growing as a human being and as an adult!! And it's an ongoing process for most of us! So here we are.


End file.
